When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.
May the bridges I burn today, light the path tomorrow.
Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
The last thing I want to do is die.
I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.
I didn't lose my sanity. I sent it away for its own protection.
Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.
I'm not stupid, I'm just not thinking straight right now.
The lottery: voluntary taxation.
Teacher: "You failed the test." - Student:"You failed to educate."
The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.
I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel.
I swear to drunk I'm not god.
Would you like a table? ... "No, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground, a carpet for 5 please." -_-
Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.
