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When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

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I knew I was in love when all those stupid love songs started to make sense.

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Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?

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Everyone and everything eventually becomes only just a memory.

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My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!

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Disappointments are just God's way of saying: "I've got something better." Be patient, live life, have faith.

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Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.

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It takes more energy to look back than to look forward into the future.

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The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.

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I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.

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I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.

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Each morning when we wake up, we have two choices: go back to sleep and keep dreaming, or wake up and chase those dreams.

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Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.

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When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.

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God must love stupid people. He made SO many.