When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.
I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.
If we only attempt that which we are capable of doing, we will never grow.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
Winners do what other people won't.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.
I know I just met you last week but I kinda, sorta, just maybe, seriously have been curiously thinking about you every day since.
Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
I would love you if love meant the complete opposite of what it means today.
Wherever you go, there you are.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I'm not stupid, I'm just not thinking straight right now.
The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.
When your best friend comes to you with a bitch problem and you're like"I don't give a fuck."
