There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Don't trip over bitches, walk over them.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.
It's hard to talk face to face, when your head is up your ass.
Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Compromising is the same as losing, it just sucks more because winning was never in the deal.
I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.
Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.
You don't have to understand to be understanding.
You can't define love, but love can define you.
If you're good at something, don't do it for free.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
We're all born screaming, naked, and starving...then it's pretty much downhill from there.
The sacrifice of hiding in the light is living with your shadows.
Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.
