There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Next time someone says "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" I'm gonna throw the dictionary at them.
Laughter is a better way to bring tears to the eyes.
Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
Regret lasts longer than fear.
You don't have to understand to be understanding.
My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. That is why they call it the present.
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
Sleep, hugs, kisses, love, friends, family, memories, smiles, laughter, fun... the best things in life are free.
If you can't change your circumstances, change the way you respond to them.
From a girl's point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a boy's point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
You can hold on to a person but not a relationship.
