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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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You're never too old to learn something stupid.

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.

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Everybody thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT!

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Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.

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Don't hate me because I'm better than you, hate yourself because you're not as good as me.

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If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.

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If you can't change your circumstances, change the way you respond to them.

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Wherever you go, there you are.

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We're all born screaming, naked, and starving...then it's pretty much downhill from there.

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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

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Everybody is a student for life.

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I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?

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I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?