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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

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2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

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If you can't change your circumstances, change the way you respond to them.

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Real eyes realize real lies.

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Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard

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Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

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Aspire to inspire before you expire.

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The lottery: voluntary taxation.

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Cool story bro, changed my life.

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Smart girls open their mind, easy girls open their legs, and foolish girls open their heart.

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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants.

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If you text me first, it's your job to keep the conversation going!

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After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.