They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..we are where you left us, IN THE FRIEND ZONE.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
Always remember to smile.
If they dont chase you when you walk away....keep walking.
Coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.
Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.
The awkward moment when someone is yelling at you and you're desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.
An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Don't let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!
I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.
Sleep, hugs, kisses, love, friends, family, memories, smiles, laughter, fun... the best things in life are free.
I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.
You never how much is enough until you know how much is too much.
