Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
When we hit our lowest point, We are open to the greatest changes.
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
You should never ruin an apology with an excuse.
I think 'First Response' and 'Plan B' should switch names.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
Wild hearts can't be broken.
Cry over cuts and stitches not bastards and bitches.
If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.
I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.
When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.
Cool story bro. Yeah your mums in the next chapter.
Life's not a bitch, you're the bitch because your not trying hard enough.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
NO MUM. You're mad because you're wrong not because I was talking back.
I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.
Always remember to smile.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
