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Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

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KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH, and you're middle finger HIGHER.

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Thanks wind, you totally raped my hair.

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New anti depressant for lesbians... Trycoxagain

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You got enemies, good that means you stood up for something.

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Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.

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My brain: 5% names, 3% phone numbers, 2% stuff I should know for school, 90% song lyrics.

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Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.

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I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.

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You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.

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Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.

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Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.

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We put the "us" in trust, baby.

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Winners do what other people won't.

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What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'

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God made opposites. He made heaven and hell, darkness and light. He made me smart, and you....

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Mario: An Italian plumber that was created by Japanese people, who speaks English, but looks like a Mexican.