Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
Take my advice, don't listen to my advice.
Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.
I don't have an attitude, I have a personality you can't handle.
I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.
When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I'm not flirting, I'm just acting extra nice to someone who is extra attractive.
Make money, don't let it make you.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.
Whatever floats your boat as long, as it doesn't sink mine.
It's better to be the owner of your silence than the slave of your words.
Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.
I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.
The lottery: voluntary taxation.
True friends aren't bought, they are earned.
When all fails, kamikaze and take everyone with you.
The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.
