Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.
Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.
Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.
If we only attempt that which we are capable of doing, we will never grow.
Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.
A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!
Cry over cuts and stitches not bastards and bitches.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
We put the "us" in trust, baby.
How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
The last thing I want to do is die.
Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.
Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.
Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
I love that whenever we speak I have no idea what to say or how to feel.
A girl looks at what a man drives. A woman looks at what drives a man.
