When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
.sdrawkcab siht daer uoy edam I
He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
It's weird not to be weird.
Boyfriends are like goal keepers. Just because they are there doesn't mean you can't score.
Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.
Don't make time for people who can't make time for you.
A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.
Each morning when we wake up, we have two choices: go back to sleep and keep dreaming, or wake up and chase those dreams.
You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.
Real eyes realize real lies.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.
I need a six month holiday, twice a year.
