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When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

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Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I most need it.

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Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.

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Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

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I don't watch any reality TV because I seriously can't afford to hate society any more than I already do.

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You got enemies, good that means you stood up for something.

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Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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The ultimate price you pay is nothing but time.

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The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.

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I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.

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Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

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You can't define love, but love can define you.

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Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.

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Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)

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It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.