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Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?

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The last thing I want to do is die.

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Haters make you famous.

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Take my advice, don't listen to my advice.

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Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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You don't need some one to complete you, you just need someone to accept you completely...

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

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Hello substitute teacher... Goodbye assigned seats.

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I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.

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I don't hate school. I just hate the teachers, the homework, the exams and waking up early in the morning.

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Girls are like aspirin. I take two and go to bed.

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Cry over cuts and stitches not bastards and bitches.

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Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.

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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

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Never frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.