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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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S_CCESS can't be complete without U.

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I would kick your ass right now, but that would be animal abuse.

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Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

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Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.

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My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.

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If you can't convince them, confuse them.

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Gravity is not the reason why people fall in love.

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When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.

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You know you love her when people think you're crazy.

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When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

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I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

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Every day you will meet a moron; if you haven't met one today, tomorrow you'll meet two.

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Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

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I'm not spoiled, I'm just well taken care of.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.