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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

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I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

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"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.

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I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.

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I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.

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Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.

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If you text me first, it's your job to keep the conversation going!

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If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.

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Don't wait for anybody to complete you.

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To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.

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The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.

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When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

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2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.

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A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

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If most people said what was on their minds, they'd be speechless.

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Dreams lift when reality falls.

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I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?