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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

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What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except marriage, marriage will kill you.

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My life without you would be like a broken pencil. Pointless.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.

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I say excuse me when I burp even when nobody is around....true gentleman.

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Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.

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I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.

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There are needs and there are wants. I need what I want.

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If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

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I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

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Drunk words are sober thoughts.

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Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.

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Don't hate me because I'm better than you, hate yourself because you're not as good as me.

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I think therefore I am, we think therefore it is.

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Some people should be high-fived...in the face.

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The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.

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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

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Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.