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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.

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What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'

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I know the beginning and end of this book but what shapes life are the chapters between.

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Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

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Light up the world with your smile, because you never know who might be stuck somewhere dark.

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You cannot fathom the amount of fuck I do not give.

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When life puts you in tough situations don't say "WHY ME?", just say "TRY ME".

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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When your best friend comes to you with a bitch problem and you're like"I don't give a fuck."

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Short answers silent treatment not smiling = You did something wrong.

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Life is like a penis, when it gets hard, fuck it.

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People are stupid, with random moments of brilliance.

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Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

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Gravity is not the reason why people fall in love.

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I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

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You don't like my opinion, wait until you hear the ones I keep to myself.