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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

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Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.

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Don't punish the man in front of you for the mistakes made by the man behind you.

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When life puts you in tough situations don't say "WHY ME?", just say "TRY ME".

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.

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Don't like me? Take a seat with the rest of the bitches waiting for me to give a fuck

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Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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It's hard to answer "what's wrong", when nothing is right...

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.

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Everybody spread positivity.

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I'll advise you... don't mess with me: I know Karate, Judo, Tai Kwon Do, Jujitsu and 28 other dangerous words.

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Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.

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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

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My ideal mate is someone like you, but with a different personality and with a different face.