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From a girl's point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a boy's point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.

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Life's not a bitch, you're the bitch because your not trying hard enough.

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I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.

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Why don't you just swallow all that makeup you put on? You might become pretty on the inside.

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A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

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Everybody is a student for life.

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A rumor goes in one ear, then out of many mouths.

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The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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A girl looks at what a man drives. A woman looks at what drives a man.

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Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.

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Lifes a bitch....so when life sucks just sit back and enjoy the head.

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Act like a gentleman, think like a boss.

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The notion that you feel my pain is extremely uncertain. You have to apply the experience and pain of my life in order to come to this road.

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The world is full of guys, be a man.

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Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants.

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When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.