Life is a bitch, but totally do-able.
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.
I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Today is the Tomorrow we worried about Yesterday.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Cool story bro. Yeah your mums in the next chapter.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
If all MEN are the same, why do WOMEN take so long to choose one?
How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!
I'm killing time, waiting for time to kill me.
If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.
The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.
You never how much is enough until you know how much is too much.
I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking act like it.
