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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he can't stand one night without.

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Boyfriends are like goal keepers. Just because they are there doesn't mean you can't score.

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Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.

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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...

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I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.

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If you watch Cinderella backwards, it's about a woman who learns her place.

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I'm not a nerd, I'm just smarter then you.

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You don't have to understand to be understanding.

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It's weird not to be weird.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

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Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!

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When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.

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When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

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Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

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Life is to SHORT, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly.