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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.

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People are stupid, with random moments of brilliance.

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

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I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.

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I'm killing time, waiting for time to kill me.

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Live everyday like it's your last because someday you will be right.

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If you want to look young and thin, hang out around fat old people.

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I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

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I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

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Two things I hate the most: (1) The new lover of an EX (2) The EX of a new lover.

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Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

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A good friend buys you lunch. A true friend eats yours.

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Not everyone's gonna understand you and that's ok.

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When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.

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Wild hearts can't be broken.

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Love needs to get glasses.

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.