The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I know I just met you last week but I kinda, sorta, just maybe, seriously have been curiously thinking about you every day since.
The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.
Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
You can pay for school, but you can't buy class.
Got an issue? Get a tissue.
A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.
Don't wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
The lottery: voluntary taxation.
