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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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Your actions are speaking so loudly, I cannot hear what you are saying.

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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.

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Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.

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If your not going to win the argument, lie.

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Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them a second bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.

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To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.

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Right things happen at the wrong time if you wait for them to happen.

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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

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Science has made us gods even before we are worthy of being men.

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I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?

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So you're the bitch that told the bitch that I'm a bitch well listen bitch it takes a bitch to know a bitch, bitch.

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The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.

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Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.