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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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Cool story bro, changed my life.

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Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

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We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

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"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.

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I don't watch any reality TV because I seriously can't afford to hate society any more than I already do.

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Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.

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I swear to drunk I'm not god.

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Off; the general direction in which I wish you would fuck.

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You'll never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.

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If you can't convince them, confuse them.

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The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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If your not going to win the argument, lie.

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Some people should be high-fived...in the face.

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Nice shoes! Wanna screw?

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I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.