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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

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Taking forever to pick up a phone call because you're dancing to your ring tone.

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It's not how much you love someone that matters, it's how much you make them feel loved.

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Karma's a bitch when you're a bitch.

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Every day you will meet a moron; if you haven't met one today, tomorrow you'll meet two.

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Take chances, make mistakes, and don't regret a second of life.

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I love that whenever we speak I have no idea what to say or how to feel.

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The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

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You're only as good as your last game.

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The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....

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If we're not supposed to have late night snacks....why is there a light in the fridge?

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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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I will love you until the end. If you feel that I don't love you, this is just the beginning.

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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Some people should be high-fived...in the face.

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Hurting someone with the truth is better than killing them with a lie.