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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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Boyfriends are like goal keepers. Just because they are there doesn't mean you can't score.

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Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

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You're only as good as your last game.

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Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.

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Life sucks. But what it sucks on we may never know.

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To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.

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God made Heaven and Earth, the rest was made in China.

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Why don't you just swallow all that makeup you put on? You might become pretty on the inside.

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A relationship with NO TRUST is like a car with no gasoline. You can stay in it all you want but it won't go anywhere.

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Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

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The people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

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It is true that there is no "I" in team. But there is an "I" in win.

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If your not going to win the argument, lie.

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If being sexy were against the law you'd be guilty as charged.

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Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.

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Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.