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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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Kim Jong Il's last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....."

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If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.

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Karma's a bitch when you're a bitch.

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2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.

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There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

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I didn't lose my sanity. I sent it away for its own protection.

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When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.

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Chuck Norris made orange juice concentrate.

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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

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He who laughs last thinks slowest.

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

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Girls are like aspirin. I take two and go to bed.

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Immaturity keeps me young.

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Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.

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Take my advice, don't listen to my advice.

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If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

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A good friend buys you lunch. A true friend eats yours.