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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.

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When your best friend comes to you with a bitch problem and you're like"I don't give a fuck."

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When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat.

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Teacher: Why can I hear talking? Student: Because you have ears.

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I have no time for stupid people. But they sure do have time for me.

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I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

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If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.

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God made opposites. He made heaven and hell, darkness and light. He made me smart, and you....

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I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..we are where you left us, IN THE FRIEND ZONE.

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I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.

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Life is a bitch, but totally do-able.

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Wild hearts can't be broken.

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

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My brain: 5% names, 3% phone numbers, 2% stuff I should know for school, 90% song lyrics.

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Winners do what other people won't.

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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.