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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.

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Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

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If at first you don't succeed..... CHEAT!

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I didn't lose my sanity. I sent it away for its own protection.

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Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O

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Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

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Face your problems, don't facebook them.

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If we're not supposed to have late night snacks....why is there a light in the fridge?

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If I don't answer your first call, calling me 39971629829202 times won't make me pick up.

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I say excuse me when I burp even when nobody is around....true gentleman.

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Wild hearts can't be broken.

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I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.

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Cool story bro. The best part is when you stopped talking.

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When life throws a rock at you, throw back a brick.

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Ohh, that sounds kinda harsh. I better add a 'lol'.

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Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.

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Drunk words are sober thoughts.