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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.

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No one said it would be easy but I'm saying it's going to be worth it.

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It's hard to talk face to face, when your head is up your ass.

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Cry over cuts and stitches not bastards and bitches.

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I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel.

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Life sucks. But what it sucks on we may never know.

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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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I'm not flirting, I'm just acting extra nice to someone who is extra attractive.

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Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.

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I put the laughter in manslaughter.

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2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.

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A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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I think 'First Response' and 'Plan B' should switch names.

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Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.

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The last thing I want to do is die.

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I need a six month holiday, twice a year.

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Your actions are speaking so loudly, I cannot hear what you are saying.

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You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.