I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Kim Jong Il's last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....."
If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.
Karma's a bitch when you're a bitch.
2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.
There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.
I didn't lose my sanity. I sent it away for its own protection.
When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.
Chuck Norris made orange juice concentrate.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Girls are like aspirin. I take two and go to bed.
Immaturity keeps me young.
Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.
Take my advice, don't listen to my advice.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
A good friend buys you lunch. A true friend eats yours.