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The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success.

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Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.

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Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.

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Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you.

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Cool story bro. The best part is when you stopped talking.

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You never how much is enough until you know how much is too much.

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An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.

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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

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Short answers silent treatment not smiling = You did something wrong.

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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 52 people. Then the grenade exploded.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.

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I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

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Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.

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I'm sorry you had bad luck and turned out to be an idiot.

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Never frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.

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Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.

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Disappointments are just God's way of saying: "I've got something better." Be patient, live life, have faith.