Got an issue? Get a tissue.
Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.
Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.
A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
If you can't beat them, taze them.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Regret lasts longer than fear.
I love that whenever we speak I have no idea what to say or how to feel.
I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.
I'm not spoiled, I'm just well taken care of.
Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.
"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.
Laughter is a better way to bring tears to the eyes.
I hate when I'm on the couch after a long day, I put the TV on and then my family starts having a competition of who can be the loudest.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
Face your problems, don't facebook them.
