Got an issue? Get a tissue.
He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.
I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.
Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.
Fall in love with my mind.
Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.
"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."
It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.
If you text me first, it's your job to keep the conversation going!
Fear not the weapon, but the hand that wields it.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
If you can't beat them, taze them.
You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.
Take chances, make mistakes, and don't regret a second of life.
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
