Got an issue? Get a tissue.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.
Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard
Don't let the world change your smile, let your smile change the world.
Never count on tomorrow because it may forget to show up.
Me: *sneeze* Class: *silence*. Popular girl: *sneeze* Class: God bless you amazing and lovely sweetheart.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.
Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?
I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..we are where you left us, IN THE FRIEND ZONE.
When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat.
I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.
Science has made us gods even before we are worthy of being men.
The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.
Make money, don't let it make you.
If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.
