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Got an issue? Get a tissue.

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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.

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Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.

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You're never too old to learn something stupid.

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Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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I'm experiencing Deja Vu and Amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...

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A rumor goes in one ear, then out of many mouths.

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The awkward moment when someones yelling at you and your desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.

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I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

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You look at them. They look at you. You look away. Awkward.

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Negativity is poison for the soul.

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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Be what you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

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How the hell does Freddy Kruger wipe his ass?

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.