Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.
What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
If I'm weird with you, I'm comfortable with you.
Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.
Gravity is not the reason why people fall in love.
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Girls are like aspirin. I take two and go to bed.
Winners don't wait for chances, they grab them.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
My brain: 5% names, 3% phone numbers, 2% stuff I should know for school, 90% song lyrics.
The awkward moment when people are complaining about the sizes of their nose when Voldemort's in the room.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
The lottery: voluntary taxation.
Testing boys by not responding to their txts to see if they'll txt you again.
