Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
Cry over cuts and stitches not bastards and bitches.
Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.
Smart girls open their mind, easy girls open their legs, and foolish girls open their heart.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.
The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.
I have no time for stupid people. But they sure do have time for me.
"Dude, that song is old." Sorry, I didn't notice the expiry date.
Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.
Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Never close a door that someone still holds a key to.
Laughter is a better way to bring tears to the eyes.
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
I hate when I'm on the couch after a long day, I put the TV on and then my family starts having a competition of who can be the loudest.
There are needs and there are wants. I need what I want.
Drunk words are sober thoughts.
