Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
Until a man finds something to die for, he has nothing to live for.
I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
Don't like me? Take a seat with the rest of the bitches waiting for me to give a fuck
Once upon a time, there was a boy and girl who loved each other. Then a slut came and ruined everything. The end.
Two things I hate the most: (1) The new lover of an EX (2) The EX of a new lover.
God made opposites. He made heaven and hell, darkness and light. He made me smart, and you....
Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.
I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.
Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
.sdrawkcab siht daer uoy edam I
The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.
Take chances, make mistakes, and don't regret a second of life.
