Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
Who you are, who you want to be, and who you once were can be three different people.
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
I want a person who comes into my life by accident, but stays on purpose.
Boobs. That's all, just like this if you like boobs.
I went up to my moms face and screamed " I WANT FOOD !!! " Until I got slapped in the face
11.24265336624% of people pay too much attention to details.
Everyone and everything eventually becomes only just a memory.
I've gone bankrupt a few times and it's pretty scary. But eventually I make it to the ATM and get more money.
Real eyes realize real lies.
From a girl's point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a boy's point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.
Roses are red. Violets are blue! Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad I'll be there too, not in the cage, but laughing at you.
A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
Eventually people will realize that mistakes are meant for learning not repeating.
When I'm always in my room; parents complain. When I go out; parents complain.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
