Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
Perception is everything.
I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.
Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?
I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.
I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.
Who you are, who you want to be, and who you once were can be three different people.
Don't wait for anybody to complete you.
If at first you don't succeed..... CHEAT!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.
It isn't till you've lost everything that you are free to do anything.
If she talks to you about everyone then she must talk to everyone about you.
If you can't change your circumstances, change the way you respond to them.
In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.
A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
I've gone bankrupt a few times and it's pretty scary. But eventually I make it to the ATM and get more money.
Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.