Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
Life isn't about staying dry, it's about learning how to play in the rain.
Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.
Your character is more accurately determined by what you say about others behind their backs.
Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.
You inspire me to be a better pervert.
I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?
If it put a smile on my face, there is no reason to regret.
You know it's going to be a great story when its starts off with, "So this b*tch!..."
When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
Teacher: Why can I hear talking? Student: Because you have ears.
Patience gets you everywhere on time.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
I'm not spoiled, I'm just well taken care of.
After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.
Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.
Love me always, love me never, but don't love me sometimes.
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