Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.
The world needs less people that judge and more people that love.
Haters hate because they are what you ain't.
I need a six month holiday, twice a year.
Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.
I'm experiencing Deja Vu and Amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
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When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.
You'll never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.
You look at them. They look at you. You look away. Awkward.
Wild hearts can't be broken.
I'm not spoiled, I'm just well taken care of.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
Cool story bro. Yeah your mums in the next chapter.
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.