Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
Behind every girls favorite song, is an untold story.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.
People are stupid, with random moments of brilliance.
You don't like my opinion, wait until you hear the ones I keep to myself.
Haters hate because they are what you ain't.
When we hit our lowest point, We are open to the greatest changes.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
Perception is everything.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
Science has made us gods even before we are worthy of being men.
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.
If you were my homework I'd do you on the table.
The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
I need a six month holiday, twice a year.
The world is a fucked up place. You fit right in.
Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.
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