Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
It's hard to talk face to face, when your head is up your ass.
Forget it enough to get over it, remember it enough so it doesnt happen again.
A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!
My brain: 5% names, 3% phone numbers, 2% stuff I should know for school, 90% song lyrics.
The awkward moment when people are complaining about the sizes of their nose when Voldemort's in the room.
Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Everybody thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT!
Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.
In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Drunk words are sober thoughts.
Don't erase your haters, embrace your haters.
People are stupid, with random moments of brilliance.
Don't wait for anybody to complete you.
I really need you to, put the camera down and step away from the mirror.
I study for minutes and take breaks for hours.
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