Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.
Cool story bro. In what chapter do you shut the fuck up in?
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'
If you can't beat them, taze them.
If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.
Immaturity keeps me young.
Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)
Good things don't always have to come to an end.
So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
.sdrawkcab siht daer uoy edam I
I've gone bankrupt a few times and it's pretty scary. But eventually I make it to the ATM and get more money.
When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
Science has made us gods even before we are worthy of being men.
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