Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!
How ironic is life. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes
Right things happen at the wrong time if you wait for them to happen.
Whatever floats your boat as long, as it doesn't sink mine.
What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'
Gravity is not the reason why people fall in love.
I don't have an attitude, I have a personality you can't handle.
He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.
It's weird not to be weird.
Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.
Next time someone says "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" I'm gonna throw the dictionary at them.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Shit happens bro. Now get over it.
The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.
Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out?
Love always costs more than you can afford, but its always worth the price.
Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.
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