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I don't make the same mistake twice....I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.

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Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat.

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Your a boy, I'm a girl. So tell me again why we aren't dating?

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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I want to go to Heaven for the climate, and Hell for the company.

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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Wild hearts can't be broken.

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I would love you if love meant the complete opposite of what it means today.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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Life is to SHORT, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly.

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Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.

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Life isn't about staying dry, it's about learning how to play in the rain.

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Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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How ironic is life. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes

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Some take the bait, others reel it in.

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Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.