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How the hell does Freddy Kruger wipe his ass?

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That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.

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Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

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You should never ruin an apology with an excuse.

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Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.

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Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.

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Live everyday like it's your last because someday you will be right.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!

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The last thing I want to do is die.

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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...

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Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.

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War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

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If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.

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I'm not giving you an hour, or a second, or another minute longer. I'm busy getting stronger.

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It's hard to answer "what's wrong", when nothing is right...

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Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.