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You can be worthless to someone, but priceless to another.

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Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.

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It takes more energy to look back than to look forward into the future.

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I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?

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I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

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Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.

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If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

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There are needs and there are wants. I need what I want.

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I went up to my moms face and screamed " I WANT FOOD !!! " Until I got slapped in the face

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.

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Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.

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I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.

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Some take the bait, others reel it in.

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When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

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"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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New anti depressant for lesbians... Trycoxagain

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?