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Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

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The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.

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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.

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You do not learn anything by doing everything right.

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Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.

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It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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Be man enough to accept the consequences, be child enough to do it anyway.

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The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.

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I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.

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A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!

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Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?

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Some take the bait, others reel it in.

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How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

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Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case coincidence? I think not.

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You said what you said and you said what you said, so what you said is what you said.

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Life is to SHORT, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly.