Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
I knew I was in love when all those stupid love songs started to make sense.
Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Nice guys finish last, that is because they put their girls first.
It sucks that you can't photoshop that personality too, bitch.
The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....
If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?
The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.
I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.
Just because your smart doesn't mean your wise.
If someone tries to bring you down it means that you are higher than them.
If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.
Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.
Live everyday like it's your last because someday you will be right.
The awkward moment when you're on a bouncy castle and you fall down and the other bitches on there wont stop jumping so u can't get back up.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
