Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
That awkward moment when it's not okay after an apology.
Have you ever noticed that when you walk into a spider web you suddenly become a ninja?
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong for too long.
Kim Jong Il's last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....."
So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"
The smile is every woman's sexiest curve.
I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.
I tried to send you the most sexy thing on the planet, but the mail man told me to get out of the mailbox.
Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.
Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.
You're only as good as your last game.
To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!
Its the scars that can't be seen that take the longest to heal.
Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
