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Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

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Fight poverty. Throw stones at beggers.

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I put the laughter in manslaughter.

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You're never too old to learn something stupid.

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Love is calling back regardless of how many times they hangup on you.

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Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

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God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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We just have to accept the fact that some people are going to stay in our hearts....even if they don't stay in our lives.

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Life isn't about staying dry, it's about learning how to play in the rain.

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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

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Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.

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Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.

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I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.

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The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.