If you're good at something, don't do it for free.
When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.
You are not a winner, just the last loser standing.
Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet connection.
If you were a transformer you would be a hot-obot called Optimus Fine.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!
Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.
I put the laughter in manslaughter.
I need a six month holiday, twice a year.
Lifes a bitch....so when life sucks just sit back and enjoy the head.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.
Hello substitute teacher... Goodbye assigned seats.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
When life throws a rock at you, throw back a brick.
I go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
