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If you're good at something, don't do it for free.

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We put the "us" in trust, baby.

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.

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Life is a bitch, but totally do-able.

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Your actions are speaking so loudly, I cannot hear what you are saying.

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The people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

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When life throws a rock at you, throw back a brick.

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You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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That awkward moment when sluts wear clothes.

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I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.

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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet connection.

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You don't like my opinion, wait until you hear the ones I keep to myself.

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We always start with completing the difficult. It just takes us a little longer to do the impossible.

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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'