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There's no such thing as good girls gone bad, only bad girls found out.

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That awkward moment when sluts wear clothes.

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I don't make the same mistake twice....I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.

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If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.

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I'm not giving you an hour, or a second, or another minute longer. I'm busy getting stronger.

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Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.

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If you text me first, it's your job to keep the conversation going!

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Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.

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I will love you until the end. If you feel that I don't love you, this is just the beginning.

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The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.

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Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.

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Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

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Perception is everything.

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Coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.

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Good things don't always have to come to an end.

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My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.

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Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.