Haters hate because they are what you ain't.
Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.
If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?
In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.
I'm not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.
It sucks that you can't photoshop that personality too, bitch.
The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
Know one cares how much you know, unless they know how much you care.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
The lottery: voluntary taxation.
Take chances, make mistakes, and don't regret a second of life.
Boyfriends are like goal keepers. Just because they are there doesn't mean you can't score.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.
This duct tape makes everything you say sound like "yes".
Real eyes realize real lies.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
No one said it would be easy but I'm saying it's going to be worth it.
