Haters hate because they are what you ain't.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.
In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.
The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
Love needs to get glasses.
I didn't lose my sanity. I sent it away for its own protection.
Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.
Never frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
When staring someone in the eyes, u wait for them to stare back at you.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
Wild hearts can't be broken.
If you're good at something, don't do it for free.
