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24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case coincidence? I think not.

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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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Research shows that 90% of men don't know how to use condom, these people are called DADS.

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.

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I'm experiencing Deja Vu and Amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...

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Everybody spread positivity.

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The people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

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I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

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Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.

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Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.

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I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.

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When we hit our lowest point, We are open to the greatest changes.

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Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.

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Don't let the world change your smile, let your smile change the world.

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If you're lucky enough to be different, never change.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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When a teacher sends you outside you have successfully won the argument.

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When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".