24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case coincidence? I think not.
Would you like a table? ... "No, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground, a carpet for 5 please." -_-
Life is like a penis, when it gets hard, fuck it.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.
I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.
I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.
I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.
The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....
Auto-correct can kiss my ask.
I put the laughter in manslaughter.
Nice guys finish last, that is because they put their girls first.
You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.
Wherever you go, there you are.
KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH, and you're middle finger HIGHER.
"Dude, that song is old." Sorry, I didn't notice the expiry date.
Never frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.
Once upon a time, there was a boy and girl who loved each other. Then a slut came and ruined everything. The end.
I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.
