Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard
Winners don't wait for chances, they grab them.
Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.
Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.
When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
The ultimate price you pay is nothing but time.
The lottery: voluntary taxation.
It's better to be the owner of your silence than the slave of your words.
Coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
Truth can stand on its own, only lies require faith.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Auto-correct can kiss my ask.
Chuck Norris has three types of laundry...whites, darks and blood stained.
