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Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you.

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You got enemies, good that means you stood up for something.

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I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.

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Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

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A man can sweep any woman off her feet, he just needs the right broom.

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.

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Got an issue? Get a tissue.

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What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'

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If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.

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Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.

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I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

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So you're the bitch that told the bitch that I'm a bitch well listen bitch it takes a bitch to know a bitch, bitch.

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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

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I would kick your ass right now, but that would be animal abuse.

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I think 'First Response' and 'Plan B' should switch names.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.