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Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard

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2013: The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section.

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I go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.

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Drunk words are sober thoughts.

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I hate when I'm on the couch after a long day, I put the TV on and then my family starts having a competition of who can be the loudest.

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Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.

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If you watch Cinderella backwards, it's about a woman who learns her place.

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No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

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No one said it would be easy but I'm saying it's going to be worth it.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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If at first you don't succeed..... CHEAT!

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People are stupid, with random moments of brilliance.

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I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.

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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

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People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.

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I swear to drunk I'm not god.

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I want a person who comes into my life by accident, but stays on purpose.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.