Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard
Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.
People are stupid, with random moments of brilliance.
Never close a door that someone still holds a key to.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
If you can't be a good example then at least be a horrible warning.
You know it's going to be a great story when its starts off with, "So this b*tch!..."
Patience gets you everywhere on time.
It's better to be the owner of your silence than the slave of your words.
True friends aren't bought, they are earned.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.
If at first you don't succeed..... CHEAT!
Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.
