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Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard

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Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

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The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.

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I swear to drunk I'm not god.

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When all fails, kamikaze and take everyone with you.

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

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We put the "us" in trust, baby.

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Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.

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Auto-correct can kiss my ask.

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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.

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You can pay for school, but you can't buy class.

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If you text me first, it's your job to keep the conversation going!

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The world needs less people that judge and more people that love.

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The word 'studying' was made up of two words originally - 'students dying'.

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I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.

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Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?

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You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.