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"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.

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Teacher: Why can I hear talking? Student: Because you have ears.

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I love you more than a fat kid loves cake.

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S_CCESS can't be complete without U.

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Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.

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Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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New anti depressant for lesbians... Trycoxagain

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Behind every girls favorite song, is an untold story.

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Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.

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If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

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I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.

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Off; the general direction in which I wish you would fuck.

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Love needs to get glasses.

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Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.

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Two things I hate the most: (1) The new lover of an EX (2) The EX of a new lover.