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"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.

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I have no time for stupid people. But they sure do have time for me.

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When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

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Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?

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Perception is everything.

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Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.

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The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.

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Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.

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Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.

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If you're lucky enough to be different, never change.

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Your actions are speaking so loudly, I cannot hear what you are saying.

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The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.

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Drunk words are sober thoughts.

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I hate people who are lazy. They're so lazy, they don't even finish their own

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That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.

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Behind every girls favorite song, is an untold story.

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Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.