I know I just met you last week but I kinda, sorta, just maybe, seriously have been curiously thinking about you every day since.
I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.
You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking act like it.
Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.
That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
Don't let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.
Not everyone's gonna understand you and that's ok.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Science has made us gods even before we are worthy of being men.
We are bestfriends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up. After I finish laughing.
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.
Disappointments are just God's way of saying: "I've got something better." Be patient, live life, have faith.
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