I know I just met you last week but I kinda, sorta, just maybe, seriously have been curiously thinking about you every day since.
Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
I swear to drunk I'm not god.
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I am not afraid of death, it's just that I prefer not to be there when it happens.
Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
"Dude, that song is old." Sorry, I didn't notice the expiry date.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.
You know you love her when people think you're crazy.
It is true that there is no "I" in team. But there is an "I" in win.
Don't let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.
Annoying moment: When you decide to be angry at someone for a week and the next morning, the anger you felt so strong, disappears.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
I don't make the same mistake twice....I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.
Eventually people will realize that mistakes are meant for learning not repeating.