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I know I just met you last week but I kinda, sorta, just maybe, seriously have been curiously thinking about you every day since.

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Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.

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2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.

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Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.

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I'll advise you... don't mess with me: I know Karate, Judo, Tai Kwon Do, Jujitsu and 28 other dangerous words.

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I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.

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Cool story bro. Yeah your mums in the next chapter.

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I can only endure saying goodbye because saying hello again will be all the sweeter.

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Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

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Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

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If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?

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I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.

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Sex is like money. It's only a problem when you don't have any.

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Truth can stand on its own, only lies require faith.

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Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

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The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.

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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.