I know I just met you last week but I kinda, sorta, just maybe, seriously have been curiously thinking about you every day since.
When your best friend comes to you with a bitch problem and you're like"I don't give a fuck."
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
Gravity is not the reason why people fall in love.
I swear to drunk I'm not god.
Laughter is a better way to bring tears to the eyes.
Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.
The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.
The human heart is like a spring, to bounce back from pitfalls and rise to joys, and it definitely needs space.
If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."
If being sexy were against the law you'd be guilty as charged.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.
The world is full of guys, be a man.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
You can't buy love....but you pay heavily for it.
Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.
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