I know I just met you last week but I kinda, sorta, just maybe, seriously have been curiously thinking about you every day since.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
I put the laughter in manslaughter.
Don't make me mad then tell me to calm down. Thats like stabbing someone then wondering why they're bleeding.
You need over 60 muscles to look angry and less then 10 to smile, so why tire yourself?
I think 'First Response' and 'Plan B' should switch names.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
That awkward moment when it's not okay after an apology.
A rumor goes in one ear, then out of many mouths.
Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.
Laughter is a better way to bring tears to the eyes.
Have you ever noticed that when you walk into a spider web you suddenly become a ninja?
How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case coincidence? I think not.
Whatever floats your boat as long, as it doesn't sink mine.
You cannot fathom the amount of fuck I do not give.
It's better to be the owner of your silence than the slave of your words.