Drunk words are sober thoughts.
Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.
"Dude, that song is old." Sorry, I didn't notice the expiry date.
Gravity is not the reason why people fall in love.
Who you are, who you want to be, and who you once were can be three different people.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'
He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.
Those who live by the sword are bound to be shot by those who don't.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.
Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!
Cry over cuts and stitches not bastards and bitches.
Haters are just confused admirers.
Most people are still alive because its illegal to shoot them.
My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.
You don't need some one to complete you, you just need someone to accept you completely...
My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.
