Drunk words are sober thoughts.
You know it's going to be a great story when its starts off with, "So this b*tch!..."
Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too, bitch.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.
Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.
Today is the Tomorrow we worried about Yesterday.
Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.
Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
Its much easier to apologize then it is to get permission.
I'm sorry you had bad luck and turned out to be an idiot.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
If we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket...I'd miss u heaps and think of you often.
From a girl's point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a boy's point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.
