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Drunk words are sober thoughts.

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Your character is more accurately determined by what you say about others behind their backs.

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When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.

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Some people should be high-fived...in the face.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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True friends stab you in the front!

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If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.

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From a girl's point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a boy's point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.

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Baby, I treat you like my homework, I'll slam you on the table and do you all night long.

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Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.

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If you were a transformer you would be a hot-obot called Optimus Fine.

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There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

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I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.

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You are not a winner, just the last loser standing.

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Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.

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Life is not what you take of it, but what you make of it.

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Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.

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When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat.

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Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.