I've gone bankrupt a few times and it's pretty scary. But eventually I make it to the ATM and get more money.
A man can sweep any woman off her feet, he just needs the right broom.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
My life without you would be like a broken pencil. Pointless.
Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out?
Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.
Be what you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
If it put a smile on my face, there is no reason to regret.
Cool story bro. The best part is when you stopped talking.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
If we only attempt that which we are capable of doing, we will never grow.
New anti depressant for lesbians... Trycoxagain
That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.
Until a man finds something to die for, he has nothing to live for.
I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.
I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
