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I've gone bankrupt a few times and it's pretty scary. But eventually I make it to the ATM and get more money.

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Don't wait for anybody to complete you.

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My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.

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When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

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That sad moment when you find an old conversation between you and someone you don't talk to anymore.

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11.24265336624% of people pay too much attention to details.

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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...

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It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

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I eat problems, then shit out success.

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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

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Cool story bro. Yeah your mums in the next chapter.

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I would kick your ass right now, but that would be animal abuse.

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Karma's a bitch when you're a bitch.

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Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.

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I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.

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Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.

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If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.

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I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.