I'm killing time, waiting for time to kill me.
I hate when I'm on the couch after a long day, I put the TV on and then my family starts having a competition of who can be the loudest.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel.
Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.
Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.
How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.
If you're good at something, don't do it for free.
It isn't till you've lost everything that you are free to do anything.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
When life puts you in tough situations don't say "WHY ME?", just say "TRY ME".
Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I most need it.
Teacher: "You failed the test." - Student:"You failed to educate."
Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
Sleep, hugs, kisses, love, friends, family, memories, smiles, laughter, fun... the best things in life are free.
