Girls are like aspirin. I take two and go to bed.
Cool story bro. Wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale; once upon a time, I don't give a shit. The end.
Got an issue? Get a tissue.
Its much easier to apologize then it is to get permission.
When all fails, kamikaze and take everyone with you.
Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.
Lifes a bitch....so when life sucks just sit back and enjoy the head.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Face your problems, don't facebook them.
Most people are still alive because its illegal to shoot them.
I think 'First Response' and 'Plan B' should switch names.
Your a boy, I'm a girl. So tell me again why we aren't dating?
To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?
Chuck Norris made orange juice concentrate.
I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.
