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I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

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I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

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An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.

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Coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.

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Be man enough to accept the consequences, be child enough to do it anyway.

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You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

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If you watch Cinderella backwards, it's about a woman who learns her place.

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Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".

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I have no time for stupid people. But they sure do have time for me.

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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

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I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

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Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 52 people. Then the grenade exploded.

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How the hell does Freddy Kruger wipe his ass?

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Immaturity keeps me young.

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2013: The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section.

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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...

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My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.

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I put the laughter in manslaughter.

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Teacher: Why can I hear talking? Student: Because you have ears.