If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to visit, hunt it down and kill it.
I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.
I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."
Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.
If I'm weird with you, I'm comfortable with you.
You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
I'm not flirting, I'm just acting extra nice to someone who is extra attractive.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
It is true that there is no "I" in team. But there is an "I" in win.
I hate when I walk into a room, forget what I need, walk out and then remember.
I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.
Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
Annoying moment: When you decide to be angry at someone for a week and the next morning, the anger you felt so strong, disappears.
