Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.
If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.
Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong for too long.
Did you just slap my ass? NO!? Damn I was hoping you did.
Don't allow someone to be your priorty while allowing yourself to be there option.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
If she talks to you about everyone then she must talk to everyone about you.
I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.
What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
God made opposites. He made heaven and hell, darkness and light. He made me smart, and you....
Eventually people will realize that mistakes are meant for learning not repeating.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.
If you can't beat them, taze them.
The lottery: voluntary taxation.
