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Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?

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Haters hate because they are what you ain't.

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Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

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Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.

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What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

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Next time someone says "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" I'm gonna throw the dictionary at them.

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The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.

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Never count on tomorrow because it may forget to show up.

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My brain: 5% names, 3% phone numbers, 2% stuff I should know for school, 90% song lyrics.

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I love walking in the rain 'cause no one can see me crying.

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I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.

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Today is the Tomorrow we worried about Yesterday.

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Lifes a bitch....so when life sucks just sit back and enjoy the head.

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Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.

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If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.

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Nice shoes! Wanna screw?

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The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....