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Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.

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Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.

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Don't let the world change your smile, let your smile change the world.

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If you're lucky enough to be different, never change.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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Annoying moment: When you decide to be angry at someone for a week and the next morning, the anger you felt so strong, disappears.

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If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.

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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

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Cool story bro. The best part is when you stopped talking.

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It's hard to answer "what's wrong", when nothing is right...

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It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.

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Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.

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I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.

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If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.

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Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

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You know you love her when people think you're crazy.

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If being sexy were against the law you'd be guilty as charged.

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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.