Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.
Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.
I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.
A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.
Take chances, make mistakes, and don't regret a second of life.
That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.
I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."
Dear Bull, What did I do to deserve so much shit?
I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.
Hello substitute teacher... Goodbye assigned seats.
I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Make money, don't let it make you.
If you can't change your circumstances, change the way you respond to them.
When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.
Love always costs more than you can afford, but its always worth the price.
I've gone bankrupt a few times and it's pretty scary. But eventually I make it to the ATM and get more money.
