You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.
That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.
Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
From a girl's point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a boy's point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.
If we're not supposed to have late night snacks....why is there a light in the fridge?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".
Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.
Your a boy, I'm a girl. So tell me again why we aren't dating?
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Next time someone says "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" I'm gonna throw the dictionary at them.
Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.
Hurting someone with the truth is better than killing them with a lie.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.