God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.
Say what you mean and mean what you say because the people that matter don't mind and the people that mind don't matter.
Don't look back. You'll miss what's in front of you.
If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?
The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.
Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
You can be worthless to someone, but priceless to another.
Right things happen at the wrong time if you wait for them to happen.
I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.
You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
If we're not supposed to have late night snacks....why is there a light in the fridge?
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.
Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.
If all MEN are the same, why do WOMEN take so long to choose one?
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