The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.
S_CCESS can't be complete without U.
Did you just slap my ass? NO!? Damn I was hoping you did.
Each morning when we wake up, we have two choices: go back to sleep and keep dreaming, or wake up and chase those dreams.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'
Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Don't erase your haters, embrace your haters.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
Dreams lift when reality falls.
I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
I swear to drunk I'm not god.
Smart girls open their mind, easy girls open their legs, and foolish girls open their heart.
I really need you to, put the camera down and step away from the mirror.
That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.