Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.
Trust in God but lock your car.
If all MEN are the same, why do WOMEN take so long to choose one?
There are needs and there are wants. I need what I want.
There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.
The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Your actions are speaking so loudly, I cannot hear what you are saying.
If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.
Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.
I don't watch any reality TV because I seriously can't afford to hate society any more than I already do.
Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.
Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
You got enemies, good that means you stood up for something.
Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.
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