The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.
I am not good at giving advice, but can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.
You can hold on to a person but not a relationship.
The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....
Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.
Love is just a word, until someone comes along and gives it meaning.
That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.
People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.
Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Dear 'K', You should get arrested for killing conversations.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If she talks to you about everyone then she must talk to everyone about you.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
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