Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.
If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.
Did you just slap my ass? NO!? Damn I was hoping you did.
When your best friend comes to you with a bitch problem and you're like"I don't give a fuck."
Cool story bro. The best part is when you stopped talking.
If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
God made Heaven and Earth, the rest was made in China.
We're all born screaming, naked, and starving...then it's pretty much downhill from there.
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Its much easier to apologize then it is to get permission.
Always remember to smile.
When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.