I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.
We put the "us" in trust, baby.
A girl looks at what a man drives. A woman looks at what drives a man.
Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O
An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.
I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.
That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
Take my advice, don't listen to my advice.
Gravity is not the reason why people fall in love.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
Fall in love with my mind.
Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.
Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.
If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.
If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.
The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.
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