I went up to my moms face and screamed " I WANT FOOD !!! " Until I got slapped in the face
Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.
Don't wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect.
Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.
The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.
I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.
I love that whenever we speak I have no idea what to say or how to feel.
Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.
Haters hate because they are what you ain't.
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
Dreams lift when reality falls.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Got an issue? Get a tissue.
I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.
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