NO MUM. You're mad because you're wrong not because I was talking back.
The awkward moment when someones yelling at you and your desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
Until a man finds something to die for, he has nothing to live for.
You do not learn anything by doing everything right.
Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.
The awkward moment when you're on a bouncy castle and you fall down and the other bitches on there wont stop jumping so u can't get back up.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.
I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.
Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.
You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
I hate when I'm on the couch after a long day, I put the TV on and then my family starts having a competition of who can be the loudest.
© 2016 EpicQuotes |