It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
Science has made us gods even before we are worthy of being men.
Have you ever noticed that when you walk into a spider web you suddenly become a ninja?
If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.
Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you weaker and weaker until it eventually kills you.
I hate when I'm on the couch after a long day, I put the TV on and then my family starts having a competition of who can be the loudest.
I hate when I walk into a room, forget what I need, walk out and then remember.
The awkward moment when you're on a bouncy castle and you fall down and the other bitches on there wont stop jumping so u can't get back up.
Research shows that 90% of men don't know how to use condom, these people are called DADS.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
I go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.
Next time someone says "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" I'm gonna throw the dictionary at them.
If we're not supposed to have late night snacks....why is there a light in the fridge?
I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.
Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.
When life throws a rock at you, throw back a brick.
Love is calling back regardless of how many times they hangup on you.
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