I put the laughter in manslaughter.
Don't trip over bitches, walk over them.
Never frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.
Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?
Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.
So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"
I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.
2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.
Perception is everything.
Chuck Norris has three types of laundry...whites, darks and blood stained.
Fear not the weapon, but the hand that wields it.
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.
That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.
Life is like a penis, when it gets hard, fuck it.
Would you like a table? ... "No, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground, a carpet for 5 please." -_-
You don't like my opinion, wait until you hear the ones I keep to myself.
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