Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?
New anti depressant for lesbians... Trycoxagain
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
You know you love her when people think you're crazy.
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?
I think therefore I am, we think therefore it is.
It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'
I've gone bankrupt a few times and it's pretty scary. But eventually I make it to the ATM and get more money.
Until a man finds something to die for, he has nothing to live for.
Dreams lift when reality falls.
Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.
My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.
Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out?
2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.
I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.
I'm sorry you had bad luck and turned out to be an idiot.
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