Most people are still alive because its illegal to shoot them.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.
Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.
Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
I don't make the same mistake twice....I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.
The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.
The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.
Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out?
Auto-correct can kiss my ask.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
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