If you can't beat them, taze them.
Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong for too long.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Everybody thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT!
Never close a door that someone still holds a key to.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Sex is like money. It's only a problem when you don't have any.
You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.
I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.
There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.
Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...
Cry over cuts and stitches not bastards and bitches.
Research shows that 90% of men don't know how to use condom, these people are called DADS.
I think 'First Response' and 'Plan B' should switch names.
If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.
If we're not supposed to have late night snacks....why is there a light in the fridge?
I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.
Cool story bro. Yeah your mums in the next chapter.
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