Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
I tried to send you the most sexy thing on the planet, but the mail man told me to get out of the mailbox.
Your a boy, I'm a girl. So tell me again why we aren't dating?
Did you just slap my ass? NO!? Damn I was hoping you did.
Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
Eventually people will realize that mistakes are meant for learning not repeating.
My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.
Dreams lift when reality falls.
Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!
It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.
You are not a winner, just the last loser standing.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Be what you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
.sdrawkcab siht daer uoy edam I
I eat problems, then shit out success.
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