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You cannot fathom the amount of fuck I do not give.

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If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.

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Good things don't always have to come to an end.

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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

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It's hard to answer "what's wrong", when nothing is right...

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Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.

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Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

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If you're good at something, don't do it for free.

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Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.

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Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.

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F that B.

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I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

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The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.

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Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.

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Compromising is the same as losing, it just sucks more because winning was never in the deal.

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Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.