Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.
Gravity is not the reason why people fall in love.
It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.
My brain: 5% names, 3% phone numbers, 2% stuff I should know for school, 90% song lyrics.
Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
Born to be different, like everyone else.
Know one cares how much you know, unless they know how much you care.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
I can only endure saying goodbye because saying hello again will be all the sweeter.
Don't erase your haters, embrace your haters.
I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?
Karma's a bitch when you're a bitch.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
You don't have to understand to be understanding.
The awkward moment when people are complaining about the sizes of their nose when Voldemort's in the room.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.