So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"
Never close a door that someone still holds a key to.
It isn't till you've lost everything that you are free to do anything.
Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.
"Dude, that song is old." Sorry, I didn't notice the expiry date.
When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
When we hit our lowest point, We are open to the greatest changes.
My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.
Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.
Your a boy, I'm a girl. So tell me again why we aren't dating?
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
I would love you if love meant the complete opposite of what it means today.
Never frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.
