If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.
Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O
Baby, I treat you like my homework, I'll slam you on the table and do you all night long.
Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.
"Dude, that song is old." Sorry, I didn't notice the expiry date.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 52 people. Then the grenade exploded.
I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.
It takes more energy to look back than to look forward into the future.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Take my advice, don't listen to my advice.
If most people said what was on their minds, they'd be speechless.
2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
If you text me first, it's your job to keep the conversation going!
You look at them. They look at you. You look away. Awkward.
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