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We just have to accept the fact that some people are going to stay in our hearts....even if they don't stay in our lives.

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I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.

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You need over 60 muscles to look angry and less then 10 to smile, so why tire yourself?

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A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!

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"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."

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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.

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Smart girls open their mind, easy girls open their legs, and foolish girls open their heart.

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You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

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Teacher: "You failed the test." - Student:"You failed to educate."

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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. That is why they call it the present.

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Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?

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Eventually people will realize that mistakes are meant for learning not repeating.

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Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

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I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.

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The lottery: voluntary taxation.

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Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

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Don't tell me the rules if you can't even play the game.