Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Its much easier to apologize then it is to get permission.
If someone tries to bring you down it means that you are higher than them.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.
Lifes a bitch....so when life sucks just sit back and enjoy the head.
Regret lasts longer than fear.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.
You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."
If you're good at something, don't do it for free.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
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