If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.
Gravity is not the reason why people fall in love.
I love walking in the rain 'cause no one can see me crying.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
I don't hate school. I just hate the teachers, the homework, the exams and waking up early in the morning.
I'm killing time, waiting for time to kill me.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
Its much easier to apologize then it is to get permission.
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.
Don't erase your haters, embrace your haters.
My ideal mate is someone like you, but with a different personality and with a different face.
Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.
To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!
Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.
Fear not the weapon, but the hand that wields it.
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