My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.
I would kick your ass right now, but that would be animal abuse.
The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he can't stand one night without.
Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.
Coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.
A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.
Don't let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.
Got an issue? Get a tissue.
Baby, I treat you like my homework, I'll slam you on the table and do you all night long.
Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.
I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.
Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.
Everything will be alright in the end, if its not alright, its not the end.
Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too, bitch.
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