I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
Cool story bro. The best part is when you stopped talking.
Act like a gentleman, think like a boss.
In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.
I went up to my moms face and screamed " I WANT FOOD !!! " Until I got slapped in the face
I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel.
Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Every day you will meet a moron; if you haven't met one today, tomorrow you'll meet two.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.
I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Auto-correct can kiss my ask.
Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.
I would love you if love meant the complete opposite of what it means today.