I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I hate when I'm on the couch after a long day, I put the TV on and then my family starts having a competition of who can be the loudest.
Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.
Cool story bro. In what chapter do you shut the fuck up in?
I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.
I say excuse me when I burp even when nobody is around....true gentleman.
Don't trip over bitches, walk over them.
I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?
Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
You can't buy love....but you pay heavily for it.
Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.
You know it's going to be a great story when its starts off with, "So this b*tch!..."
If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.
I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success.
Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.
Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out?
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