I'm killing time, waiting for time to kill me.
I have no time for stupid people. But they sure do have time for me.
I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.
Most people are still alive because its illegal to shoot them.
The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.
The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.
I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.
The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
When life puts you in tough situations don't say "WHY ME?", just say "TRY ME".
Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.
Teacher: Why can I hear talking? Student: Because you have ears.
Lifes a bitch....so when life sucks just sit back and enjoy the head.
Winners do what other people won't.