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You know you love her when people think you're crazy.

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Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.

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When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".

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Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.

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If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to visit, hunt it down and kill it.

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Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

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You can't define love, but love can define you.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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Wherever you go, there you are.

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Every day you will meet a moron; if you haven't met one today, tomorrow you'll meet two.

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If we're not supposed to have late night snacks....why is there a light in the fridge?

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Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I most need it.

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If you want to look young and thin, hang out around fat old people.

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You're never too old to learn something stupid.

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Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

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If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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Nice shoes! Wanna screw?