Life is like a penis, when it gets hard, fuck it.
I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.
How ironic is life. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.
Boyfriends are like goal keepers. Just because they are there doesn't mean you can't score.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I know I just met you last week but I kinda, sorta, just maybe, seriously have been curiously thinking about you every day since.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants.
Not everyone's gonna understand you and that's ok.
Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?
Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".
Don't wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect.
You don't need some one to complete you, you just need someone to accept you completely...
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
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