If we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket...I'd miss u heaps and think of you often.
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'
Chuck Norris has three types of laundry...whites, darks and blood stained.
Negativity is poison for the soul.
Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.
Perception is everything.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.
Compromising is the same as losing, it just sucks more because winning was never in the deal.
Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.
Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.
Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.
Girls are like aspirin. I take two and go to bed.
Each morning when we wake up, we have two choices: go back to sleep and keep dreaming, or wake up and chase those dreams.
Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet connection.
The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success.
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
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