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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

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Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

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When staring someone in the eyes, u wait for them to stare back at you.

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.

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Never frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.

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Winners do what other people won't.

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If you can't beat them, taze them.

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Never count on tomorrow because it may forget to show up.

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Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.

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S_CCESS can't be complete without U.

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The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.

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I would love you if love meant the complete opposite of what it means today.

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"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."

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Baby, I treat you like my homework, I'll slam you on the table and do you all night long.

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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.

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Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.