I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
You know you love her when people think you're crazy.
A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.
Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.
Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
You're only as good as your last game.
Behind every girls favorite song, is an untold story.
Taking forever to pick up a phone call because you're dancing to your ring tone.
I hate when I walk into a room, forget what I need, walk out and then remember.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Karma's a bitch when you're a bitch.
I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.
It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.
Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
