If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. That is why they call it the present.
You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.
You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
That awkward moment when it's not okay after an apology.
Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.
Cool story bro. Needs more dragons.
Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.
You're only as good as your last game.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Some people should be high-fived...in the face.
No one said it would be easy but I'm saying it's going to be worth it.
My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.
A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he can't stand one night without.
I'm not stupid, I'm just not thinking straight right now.
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