You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".
I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.
Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Would you like a table? ... "No, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground, a carpet for 5 please." -_-
My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.
Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.
The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
Why don't you just swallow all that makeup you put on? You might become pretty on the inside.
I don't make the same mistake twice....I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.
Fall in love with my mind.
Nice shoes! Wanna screw?
We put the "us" in trust, baby.
Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.
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