The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Gravity is not the reason why people fall in love.
Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.
The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.
I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?
It's better to be the owner of your silence than the slave of your words.
I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, thats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Life is a bitch, but totally do-able.
Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Auto-correct can kiss my ask.
