It's better to be the owner of your silence than the slave of your words.
Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.
Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.
If I don't answer your first call, calling me 39971629829202 times won't make me pick up.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Sex is like money. It's only a problem when you don't have any.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Life sucks. But what it sucks on we may never know.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
Have you ever noticed that when you walk into a spider web you suddenly become a ninja?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.
I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?
Disappointments are just God's way of saying: "I've got something better." Be patient, live life, have faith.
The word 'studying' was made up of two words originally - 'students dying'.
True friends stab you in the front!
