I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.
I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?
I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.
I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.
NO MUM. You're mad because you're wrong not because I was talking back.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
My ideal mate is someone like you, but with a different personality and with a different face.
My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.
Did you just slap my ass? NO!? Damn I was hoping you did.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.
You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.
I can only endure saying goodbye because saying hello again will be all the sweeter.
