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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

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I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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If you were my homework I'd do you on the table.

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Its much easier to apologize then it is to get permission.

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Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.

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That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...

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2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.

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A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

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The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.

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So you're the bitch that told the bitch that I'm a bitch well listen bitch it takes a bitch to know a bitch, bitch.

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Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.

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Shit happens bro. Now get over it.

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Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.