A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.
There are needs and there are wants. I need what I want.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.
A man can sweep any woman off her feet, he just needs the right broom.
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.
Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too, bitch.
I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.
2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.
2013: The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section.
If I'm weird with you, I'm comfortable with you.
Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.
Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.
The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.
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