I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!
So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"
The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.
Chuck Norris made orange juice concentrate.
Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.
Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.
I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.
We're all born screaming, naked, and starving...then it's pretty much downhill from there.
Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.
How ironic is life. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes
When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.
The lottery: voluntary taxation.
Chuck Norris has three types of laundry...whites, darks and blood stained.
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