Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.
Whenever I use "Thus" in a essay, I feel like motherfucking Shakespeare.
Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)
What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.
A pretty girl is nothing with an ugly attitude.
A rumor goes in one ear, then out of many mouths.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Take my advice, don't listen to my advice.
Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
When we hit our lowest point, We are open to the greatest changes.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.
Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
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