The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I am not good at giving advice, but can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
2013: The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.
Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
Don't wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect.
You can pay for school, but you can't buy class.
Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.
True friends aren't bought, they are earned.
I don't make the same mistake twice....I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.
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