If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?
We're all born screaming, naked, and starving...then it's pretty much downhill from there.
I put the laughter in manslaughter.
I'm not a nerd, I'm just smarter then you.
I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.
Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Most people are still alive because its illegal to shoot them.
That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.
Thanks wind, you totally raped my hair.
What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
I'm not flirting, I'm just acting extra nice to someone who is extra attractive.
I knew I was in love when all those stupid love songs started to make sense.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.
There are needs and there are wants. I need what I want.
Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.
You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.