Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
You can't define love, but love can define you.
Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.
Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong for too long.
Perception is everything.
Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.
If we only attempt that which we are capable of doing, we will never grow.
Love needs to get glasses.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.
Be what you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
If she talks to you about everyone then she must talk to everyone about you.
Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.
Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.
The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.
When all fails, kamikaze and take everyone with you.
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