Don't fall in love, fall off a bridge, trust me, it hurts less.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.
Take chances, make mistakes, and don't regret a second of life.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.
Take my advice, don't listen to my advice.
Did you just slap my ass? NO!? Damn I was hoping you did.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
A girl looks at what a man drives. A woman looks at what drives a man.
Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.
Got an issue? Get a tissue.
There's no such thing as good girls gone bad, only bad girls found out.
The awkward moment when someone is yelling at you and you're desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.
I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?
If she talks to you about everyone then she must talk to everyone about you.
No one said it would be easy but I'm saying it's going to be worth it.
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